Childhood Bereavement Network

Issues for bereaved children and young people

Bereavement can be an overwhelming experience for people of any age. What are the particular issues for children?

Recognition

Children express their grief in a variety of ways. Different feelings may emerge at different times and the intense sadness and crying associated with grief may be quite intermittent, interspersed with times of play and hilarity. This can mean that people around bereaved children sometimes don't recognise that they are grieving, or think that they are behaving inappropriately. Bereaved children have been described as 'forgotten mourners'.

Five year old Amy cried after she was told her baby sister had died, but soon asked if she could go outside to play. Her parents helped by comforting her when she was sad and accepting that she still wanted to do fun things too.

A social taboo?

As death is less likely to happen at home than in the past, children have less opportunity to learn about it as part of the life process. Childhood has become idealised as a time of carefree innocence, and death may be seen as something which is beyond the experience of children. Families and professionals may be unsure and uneasy about supporting bereaved children, who may pick up on their embarrassment and anxiety, feeling isolated and confused.

After seven year old Tom's brother had died, he and his parents talked about him a lot and comforted each other, but Tom's grandfather didn't like Tom mentioning his brother. Tom's mother helped by reminding his grandfather that Tom had been involved all through his brother's illness, and it was right for him to keep being included in conversations after he'd died.

Experience

Death can be hard to comprehend at any age, but children who have never encountered it before are unlikely to have the information they need to understand what has happened. They may have many questions about what happens when someone dies, whether the person is coming back, why they have died, what will happen to their body, whether other people are going to die and whether it is their fault.

When four year old Troy's cat Smudge was run over and killed, Troy found it difficult to understand that Smudge wasn't going to get up. He insisted that his brother should put food out for Smudge in case he got hungry in the night. By explaining carefully that Smudge didn't need his body any more and didn't need to eat or drink, Troy's brother helped him to understand that death is permanent. This made it easier for Troy to be involved in burying Smudge in the garden.

Transition

Children's lives have many changes, which may cause them to revisit their experience of bereavement. For example, leaving primary school and going to secondary school may cause them to think again about their loss.

Fourteen year old Kalisha thought she was feeling better about her aunt's death, but when she got together with her boyfriend she felt sad he would never meet her aunt. Her boyfriend helped by encouraging her to tell stories about her aunt and to show him photographs.

The death of someone close may be followed by other losses which might seem less significant but can add up to a huge change in lifestyle and routine.

temporary loss of support from other grieving relatives
financial difficulties for the family
moving house
changing school

Further information

You can read more about the issues for bereaved children and young people from the publications on our suggested reading list. You can also download a free leaflet 'Helping parents and children cope when someone close to them dies' from the Understanding Childhood website.